Dreams

Originally Posted July 3, 2007

Unsure of the purpose of their existence… I am certain that there is not one single wish I had in my life greater than the dream I had of moving to Miami… Now it’s like a distant memory.
I wish I had never wished that wish…Now that I can see my wish slipping through my fingers, it’s almost as if I’ve lost someone really close to me. If I had never had this crazy dream in the first place, I wouldn’t be so sad.
It makes me almost nautious. I can’t even bear to hear a single word about Florida. Honestly. If some type of catastrophe were to occur in FL right now, I’d still feel that little twinge when they say “Florida” in the headlines…
I’ve tried to just erase it from my mind in the recent months.  I feel so ungrateful. There are so many things in my life that I am blessed to have. It’s wrong for me to dwell on something like this.
It’s just that I can’t forget about the adrenaline I felt every time I made a step toward getting there. I can’t forget about how every single solidary day for 2 consecutive years I had butterflies in my stomach from knowing that I would get there soon. I can’t forget about how I tried to cherish, and enrich the significant relationships I had because I thought I only had a certain amount of time left with these people. I can’t forget about how I would drive through this city and appreciate the stuff I knew I would miss when I’d be gone.  This dream drove me. This dream pumped blood through my veins. I read so many motivational, and inpirational books to add fuel to that burning fire in my heart.
I can’t even look at my diary. I get tears in my eyes. Because there are about 200 pages NOT dedicated to my problems,  and day to day struggles. Instead, there are 200 pages written by me about my quest. The strategic plan I had outlined to get there. 200 pages about how crazy I thought it was that one day out of the blue I just woke up, and decided that everything I did from that point forward was in effort to get there. So crazy that I was certain something was down there waiting for me.
Is it still there? My dream is slipping away….. And with it, so is my passion….I don’t even feel like the same person any more… How can my boyfriend love me when he met the old Jennie? I’m not the same dreamy Jennie from that hot cloudy day in August. I feel like a totally different person. I don’t dare to dream any more because it will remind me of the dream I left behind…
I know nobody is reading this.. I’m only writing here because I can’t bare to write in my diary..
Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating. The days go by so much faster now that I don’t dream any more. Time just seems to be flying by now. It’s like now that my dream has faded away, the world started to spin much faster…